Funny One-Liners

If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?      -- John Mendoza

People question why Switzerland always remains neutral in wars.  I think it's because the Swiss realize those Army Knives would be pretty useless against heavy artillery.     -- Paul Paternoster

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS:  We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the passangers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made SO MANY!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.

A horse walks into a bar... and the bartender says: Hey, why the long face?

Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! - It should, sir, it was ground this morning.

Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Rehab is for quitters.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
   --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every second of it!

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Beware the wrath of a quiet man.   -- Chinese Proverb

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance, waiting to get into the bathroom.   -- Bob Hope

Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.    --Frank Dane

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