Here's a collection of some of the funniest jokes I've ever heard. Many of them come from a mailing list run by my friend Steven Isreal. You can sign up for it by e-mailing join-jokeseveryday@lists.dundee.net.
"Daddy, are you growing taller all the time?"
"No, my child. Why do you ask?"
"Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair."
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company
was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and
everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's
place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he
always eats like a horse!"
The following are just some of the new Windows 2000 error messages that
are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
6. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
7. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
9. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain
at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid
Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and
says "I've heard just about enough of your smart-alec hillbilly
jokes; we ain't all stupid around here."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big
guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the
smart-alec little fella on your knee!"
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in
the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best
thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best
thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theatre."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave
of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through
the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked
"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother,
"Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said,
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man'."
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations, October 10, 1995:
[Voice 1] Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
[Voice 2] Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to South to avoid a collision.
[Voice 1] This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
[Voice 2] No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
[Voice 1] THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE,
WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT
YOUR COURSE NOW!
[Voice 2] This is a lighthouse. Your call.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his
father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped
out.
Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Mother."
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true,
the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had
prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription
is marked "NO REFILLS."
A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the pearly
gates, St Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really
think you will like it here. "
Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks
everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock
warehouse. Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter,
"What's the deal with all the clocks ?" St. Peter replied. "They keep
track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every
time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For
instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you
watch it closely, it will move any second." Click, The minute hand on
Sam's clock moved forward one minute. Click, it moved forward
another minute. "Sam must be closing on a deal right now, "said
St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.
The man and St Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock
covered with cobwebs, "Whose clock is this ?" asked the man.
"That
clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the nicest person on
earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."
They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the
clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man
said, "I've seen everyone's clock but one, Where is President Clinton's
kept?"
St. Peter smiled and said, "Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and
you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine... Eight... Seven..."
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The
brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's
not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the
car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter in your car back
to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Well? Did you sell
your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on
it."
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?"
he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an
English woman was planning a trip to Germany.
She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was
concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the
location of the nearest WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of
WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady
wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom
never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is
capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many
people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however,
plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the
habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there
that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It
was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and
unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her
greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it.
Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your
ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are
excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a
bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to
escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
If men ruled the world:
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real
number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love
you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a
little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide
down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant
foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's
Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be
celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to
the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate
Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a
Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the
following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually
reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Joel: Crow, we have decided...
Tom Servo: To shun you!
Crow T. Robot: Well, I shun you back.
Tom: I shun you version 1.2!
Crow: I shun you version 2.1!
Tom: I shun you version 3.0 for Windows!
